Re-InVention

Plans never go as planned

Time always shifting like sand

through an hourglass of regrets

Forget the forgotten dreams

Forge on, plot new scenes

to a soundtrack of solo castanets

Look to the hills, turn your face to the horizon

There is nothing to be gained from pointless agonizing

Take inspiration from the ashes, like croutons from burnt baguettes

Golden

It’s boiling just beneath the surface, where it has lain dormant for these many months. And the pain cuts a course straight to my soul and blazes red before my eyes, reminding me of the lies and each time you fraudulently attempted to apologize.
I loathe your existence and my hate meets with none of the resistance my Christian upbringing should offer in assistance to deal with the persistence of animosity towards your skeletal frame.
I am not the same
We have gone past a simple reimbursement for monetary gain. I detest your very name. The sound causes my teeth to grind and my ears to bleed. Unconsciously watering this seed for years and now that you are here nothing would please me more than the warmth from you blood as it pours over my finger tips and drips onto the floor… No more voices reminding me of stupidity, no more frustration at your rigidity. Look into my eyes and watch as I plot your demise and find my solace in your eternal silence

WORK

Sitting in one spot, trying to force my eyes away from the clock that never seems to move, proving that this may be the single longest day this week, and its only Thursday. Silently I pray to get sick, or stick myself with a rusty paperclip left by the last person who died chained to this desk. Suddenly I am a hypochondriac, my back spasms and my lungs contract, my eyes flutter and my stomach reacts to the iced latte that I drank this morning and every morning since the 1st day of summer. WE’VE GOT A RUNNER, is what they’d yell as I sprint for the front door, leaving nail marks as I’m dragged back across the floor. Without the energy to kick let alone scream, this can’t possibly be what Adulthood means. Rats racing only for the weekly or biweekly cheese, hunched over keyboards under hawk eyes constantly looking for any signs of insubordination. The gravitational pull of the candy jar adds pounds to a waist line that used to be almost non-existent; my immune system has built up a natural resistance to the voices at the other end of phone, my brain screams JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! The constant ringing, keyboard clicking, faxing, printing echoes in the space between my ears; my brain has turned to mush from the repetitiousness of it all…and if I get one more call….riiiiinnnngggg (calmly) Hello this is Nicole, How may I help you…

Inside

I saw the doctors name just now and my heart began to pound….why does it still trigger such staggering emotions? Floating on an ocean of memories without a life vest I can feel myself sinking into yesterday. Social networking sites provide daily insight into the object of my obsession. Answerless questions swim before my eyes and I am forced to surmise that I do not matter, never did. When will I be rid of this thorn in my side? I tried to hide behind the gentleness of a king…but in the end he too deserted me. Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. If you had taken the time to look beyond my eyes, you would have seen the truth lay just inside.

My Name

My Name
It starts in the bottom of my heart and radiates to my extremities. So intense that I just curl into myself. Shielding that mst vulnerable of spots. But it does no good. It grows and grows and GROWS. Bubbling and spilling, rolling over itself, layer upon layer in a desperate dance to escape in whatever shape possible.The quickest is tears, the most effective are screams and groans. Wrapping my own fingers in my hair, folding at the waist and scream till my throat is sore, shredded and burning.My eyes are glassy and constantly reflect the excrement of severed veins. Some days are just too hard. Faced with everything I did wrong. All the almost happy endings that have switched roles and are now lived by someone else.This is not good for my health, contemplating Death. I just want to go away. Stay the day from progressiong. Pop pills to end the reminiscing. Drown in amber pools of warmth and crumble into crystal clear chasms of liquid acid.The cold air whistles through my empty shell and the echoes of unrealistic loves songs offer alternate realities. Movies that perpetuate a perfection that is perfunctory and cant possibly be attained. I can feel myself going insane.....

What is my name....

PAIN

It starts before my eyes and then quickly permiates my mind. Like a cancer, all healthy thoughts are twisted and morph into something enticingly perverse. My flesh begins to itch, twitch with desire, slowly burning from the internal fire. Silentlly my minds eye slides through a mental directory of faces, not names, calculating how I can come out the victor in this immoral game.I know its wrong, but it feels so nice...soul ties, explicit lies and exquisit highs turn into abyssmal lows...so if I know all this why do I still reach for my phone...as a temporay reprieve to the PAIN, I embrace and trust the one named

LUST

Emotional Suicide

I slit my wrist and let gravity drain me dry. Watch my heart beat slower...slower...s l o w e r and finally die.No more emotions. No more feeling pain. No more misery. No more hopeless refrains.Stoicly face time and refuse to let anyone else in. There can't be an ending, if you never begin.The tears will stop flowing like the blood thru my viens. Removing myself from loves landmine ladden games.She has the TITLE, and so it will remain. As I fade into the background. A memory of yesterday.

Molasses

You ripped the bandaids off my wounds and tore the tape from my eyes. Stabbed me with your knowledge and began to churn my insides. Where I now reside, nothing is as it was, no longer simply BLACK or WHITE but a million shades of GRAY. Each day brings a new discovery, each night a longing I cannot quench. And the stench of my own ignorance causes my soul to retch.
How long will I be complacent? How long will I stand idly by? How long will I continue to allow you to verbally inseminate my mind. Filling my womb with your lies, raping me from the inside out, impregnating me with self loathing and doubt.
Tormented, your words ooze over me like molasses laced with cianide, until every pore is filled with your poison. Praying that the Father will open a vein and drain me dry, deliver me from destitution as I carry my cross and daily I die.